In Corporate America there is something known as mass layoffs and just like it sounds it is when a large company( who has usually just been caught or is under investigation for shady business) layoff a large number of people at one time and do it in the most tasteful of manners. This happened where I work on Monday, however I was not there to witness the slaughter because our car wouldn't start and I didn't get to work until well past eleven. I am not totally sure what happened all I know is that my office used to be packed with people sitting in their cubes trying to discreetly browse the internet while pretending to work and now it is totally empty! Im not even sure if I still work there because as I mentioned above I was late that morning and missed the pink slip party.

This is me laying low in my cube hoping that no one will notice me and investigate whether or not I am still even employed by them. Personal note, remember to wear more soothing neutrals to try and blend in more to the office furniture, better chance of going unnoticed.

This is my totally empty office that is really eery feeling and has terrible lighting.

yeah thats right, I have two monitors.

++++++++++Real life, behind the scenes bonus+++++++++++

This is me trying to set up a self timer photo shoot in my cubicle, what this documents is me realizing how bright the flash on my camera is. What I am trying to say is, my fellow coworkers(the 12 left) just survived a huge downsizing and are a little skiddish, my flash photography was not appreciated.

Being Cade Malkovich

I really hope it is just the cul- de- sac cut and that is why my nephew so strangely resembles John Malkovich right now.

Curious as to why Cade has prematurely aged himself 40 years? find out more here.

ID4

If my camera were not broken I would be showing you how awesome and American our 4th of July weekend was with snapshots from our bbq filled with sub one, Jenga and potatoe salad. But all I have to show is this picture taken from weeks ago and I think you get the idea.Unfortunately there is also this photo that has a different set of ideas.

Burts Life 2

The day our camera first broke was the day our blog had a heart attack and almost died. But things tend to get fixed when you mail a copy of something called a warranty to someplace called Casio and demand something called satisfaction.
The day our camera broke for the second time this summer was the day our blog suffered a second heart attack. This time it died. Our heart is gone. She's taken a medical leave of absence until the camera is back. So until Lindsay returns to form, we've found a temporary heart substitute to pump word-blood onto these digital pages. Me, Myself, and Burt Reynolds.

* side note: If the Wu-tang Clan was correct in their 1993 classic C.R.E.A.M. when they spoke of the effects of smoking crack and weed at the same time, "The combination made my eyes bleed." Then I think that those words are just as true today when used to describe the blogging power of the Me, Myself, and Burt Reynolds team.

So, after all the positive feedback that Burt's book received from you, the public, I decided to make my own eyes bleed with a non-stop read-a-thon that would not end until I felt confident enough in my knowledge of the main character that I could act as your unimpeachable Burt Reynolds adviser. That never really happened due to the following reasons:
1. Read-a-thons of that kind of magnitude are rendered impossible by the ball and chains known as school, work, and family.
2. The more I read, the more I realized I had to learn.
3. I finished the book, just as I felt like it was getting started. I feel like there is still so much that he can teach me.
4. I needed a few days to recover and soak in all of the wisdom that was shared.

I could go on and on about the shortcomings that come along with holding a surname like Brown instead of one like Reynolds, but in much of the same way that Burt would punch a film director in the face, I need to get to the point. Here are a few of the many highlights from chapters 16 - 58.

Chapter 17: In the middle of his first Hollywood movie audition, Burt was rudely interrupted by a phone ringing at one of the producer's desks. When the producer dared to ignore Burt and answer the phone, he received a crash course in the laws of passion because Burt ran over and tore the phone out of the wall and smashed it to bits. Then he finished off the audition by cussing out all the producers out as he exited the room.

Chapter 18: He was fired from the tv show Riverboat because he picked up one of the producers and threw him off the boat and into a lake. I am going to defend Burt's actions here because he only did this to protect a female actress from being sexually harassed. I consider myself to be a student of the school of chivalry, and I'm pretty sure that my favorite professor, Sir Lancelot, would have done at least as much.

Chapter 30: Did I mention that he does all of his own stunts? Well, consider yourself notified. While filming the movie Deliverance he volunteered to canoe over a 90 foot waterfall, because none of the pro stuntmen would step up. Burt was too tough to not do it.

Chapter 31: Burt's earned the right to boast a little, and here, he takes the opportunity to do so. We learn how everyone in Hollywood loved him because was so funny, tough, and classy at parties. Also, he knows a lot about jazz music, and southwestern art.

Chapter 33: He posed nude in a magazine and women all around the world lost their minds (including a certain anonymous commenter on this blog). He confirmed that he can't help how hot he is.

Chapter 34: He did it, he finally killed someone! I knew this was only a matter of time. And to make it better, his first kill happened in my home state of Arizona, and in a small desert town that I've actually driven through, Gila Bend. I feel so honored. The only thing is, Burt claims he didn't do it, but I know better. He claims that the guy committed suicide by a drug overdose. But that doesn't explain why he fled the scene and went into hiding for a few weeks until the heat died down. Innocent men don't run like that. The whole story is too long and twisted to try to untangle here, so I suggest you check the book out at your local library, and we can try to crack this case together.

Chapter 35: While filming The Longest Yard in a prison in Georgia, he won the respect of all the inmates, and a whole bunch of NFL players because he was so tough. So many people tried to kill him but they couldn't.

Chapter 46: Burt teaches us the art of the hard sell. While filming a car chase scene, he demanded new brakes on his vehicle. The producers couldn't find space in the budget, so Burt asked them to join him for a drive in the stunt car. He got the car up to 70, reminded them about the brakes, and then he Tokyo Drifted them straight into a few barrel rolls. They woke up in a ditch. Point made.

Chapter 50: A botched movie stunt left his face smashed in by a metal chair, which ended up giving him TMJ. What follows are tons of stories of the horrors of TMJ. His health failed, and he lost tons of weight due to the sleepless nights and loss of appetite that TMJ brings. This led to a bunch of Aids rumors. So he did what any red blooded American would do. He went to Nancy Reagan. She informed him of a Radical Right-Wing Conservative plan to get all of the homosexual Aids carriers quarantined to some remote place. These radicals were looking to pin the virus on a Hollywood hunk, and Burt's weakling state made him a prime target. So he decided to fight the rumors by getting healthy again. It was kind of like that awesome training scene in Rocky IV, but instead of the Russian elements, he had the help of a dentist.

Chapter 51: Because of the TMJ, he became addicted to an experimental drug called Halcion. In his peak he was doing 50 a day. He decided that rehab was for lesser men, so he locked himself in a room and decided to sweat it out. 2 days of hallucinations, and a 9 hour coma later, the authorities found his body. After some lithium shots started his heart, he was back in the game.

** side note: I believe that this moment is what inspired the last part of the Nirvana song Lithium where they sing "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!" a whole bunch of times.

And that's where we'll end. Like I hinted before, I was somewhat depressed after finishing it. The lessons were over, and I'm hardly any more beautiful, violent, or rich than I was before. Was I not paying enough attention? Is my execution off? Am I just a poser?

Probably. Undoubtedly. Yes.

-- matthew

Burt's Life

When opportunity knocks I answer, and never in my life has opportunity knocked this hard and then just opened the door and let itself in. You've probably already guessed what I'm talking about, but I'll spell it out just in case. A few weeks back while window shopping at Al Gore's strip mall, the world wide internet, I came across a once in a lifetime deal. A copy of Burt Reynold's autobiography My Life for a mere $o.o1.
I couldn't type in my credit card numbers fast enough, and needless to say, the next few weeks of waiting for the mail to come were long and painful. But finally my package was delivered this week, and so far I'm a better man for it. Thank you Burt. So basically, this is just going to be a running book report on the the greatest self help book I've ever read. That's right, I said self help. I'm pretty sure that by the end of the introduction he will convince you that he is the coolest human alive, and after that all you need to do is just sit back and take notes. Burt never says that it will be easy for someone who is not as handsome, athletic or tough as he is, but he does give you an outline for success.
I can't stress enough how amazing this book is. Every page will drop your jaw in awe, but unfortunately copyright laws prevent me from typing out all of the text word for word on our blog. Otherwise, don't doubt that I would. So here are just a few quick highlights through the first 15 chapters.

Chapter 1: In high school he beat the strongest jock in a footrace while he was barefoot and the jock was wearing cleats. This helped him avoid the nickname "Mullet" and forced the jocks to respect and befriend him. This is where a lifetime of being cool began.

Chapter 4: His father was asked to become the chief of police in a small Florida town because he was known for being the toughest man around. A mafia dude came into his office to bribe him with a sack of $15,000 so that he would look the other way when it came to gambling rings up and down the Florida coast. Burt's dad was not to be bribed so he choked the dude out and then force fed him the whole 15 grand. He kept making the dude eat the bills until he'd barf, and then he'd make him keep chomping again and again.

Chapter 5: Although a social nerd, he earned a reputation for bravery by the age of 12 for his willingness to ambush live deer in the everglades by jumping out of speeding air-boats onto the wild beast's backs and then ride them Luke Perry style for at least 8 Seconds.

Chapter 6 - The end of the book?: Descriptions of a high school career of hooking up with every hot body in the county, including a 40 year babe who taught him lessons in love.

Chapter 12: After finding out that he'd ruined his football career at Florida State and his chances of going pro because of his refusal to stop bulldozing defenses all over the field, despite torn ligaments in his knee, he went out one night to get reckless in his dads car. While reeling from depression, he managed to drive his car under a flatbed trailer full of cinder blocks. He was trapped in the wreckage for 7 1/2 hours until the authorities could get him out. Once out, he told everyone he was fine and tried to walk away, but then he started coughing up blood. Turns out our hero totally wrecked his spleen and had to have life saving surgery that night. Later on, the head nurse, who he totally hooked up with (naturally), told him that during surgery he'd actually died, but the doctor shouted out "I know this kid. He's too damn tough to die!" and then reached up Burt's guts and squeezed his heart back to life. All Burt remembers is that he started floating towards the light, but in a truly Warren Beatty-esque moment he basically said that Heaven Can Wait by shouting out "The hell with you. I'm going back." And then he did.

Chapter 14: To support his budding acting career he took on odd jobs in the New York area. During an interview for a job as a bouncer he decided the best way to prove his qualifications was to cuss out and then fist fight two ex-professional boxers. The fact that he lived through the beating that they gave him gave his employers all the reason in the world to hire him on the spot.

I'll try to update this every 15 chapters or so. I can't wait until the part where he ends up just murdering someone. I'm not sure if this actually happened in his life, but I'm definitely expecting it.

-- matthew

Gisela

Things heated up this past weekend and so instead of trying to fight it with modern marvels such as air conditioning or shade, we dusted off our bath shorts and headed for the swim hole.

the full cast of characters: brad, shanna, lindsay, colton, matthew

Colton "Toby Keith" Smart himself decided to join us, and I'm not good with arithmetic or numerology, but I think that we were about 115% more American because of it. Thank you Toby.

Brought to you courtesy of the red white and blue

2nd wedding anniversary

June 10th, 2006

So young, so naive, so in love.

June 10th, 2008

So caffeinated, so in love.