Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Apparently Huey Lewis Was Off By A Shape

Keeping in line with the theme of uncommentable blog posts, and while we get around to loading pictures from our trip onto our super-computer and eventually our super-blog, I'd like to take a precious few minutes of my employers time to do some really important blogging.
Kelsey showed me this article on Saturday night that she found on the online web. It's weird because immediately prior to reading it i was under the impression that i was a mostly really cool human because of my mind and my thoughts and my feelings, but as my eyes bounced back and forth over the lines of this Pulitzer worthy piece of journalistic artistry I had the same kind of epiphany that I imagine all the gorgeous ones have at least four times a morning as they gaze at themselves in the vanity. The realization that my body is truly my coolest asset.

Here's the link to the NYTimes article It's Hip To Be Round.

To summarize, if you want to be cool in these tough economic times, you basically can't afford to be not fat in the stomach. They call this particular species of potbelly, found only on cool youths across the country, the Ralph Kramden, named after the actor.

It says, "Too pronounced to be blamed on the slouchy cut of a T-shirt, too modest in size to be termed a proper beer gut, developed too young to come under the heading of a paunch, the Ralph Kramden is everywhere to be seen lately, or at least (they name a couple of Brooklyn cool guy neighborhoods)... and pretty much any place one is apt to encounter fans of Grizzly Bear (a band that aspiring cool guys listen to)."

Okay, here is where it gets deep. Right at the moment my brain started to process this paragraph I looked down in consternation and saw the silk screening on my shirt stretched tautly around my generous Pepsi gut. Do you even know what that graphic on my t-shirt said? Grizzly Bear. I was wearing a Grizzly Bear shirt. Waves of cool swirled through my hipster belly like dysentery and I've only just now started to recover from the flux. I guess my body has always been just a few inches more ahead of the curve than i realized.
As more time passes i can honestly say that it is even harder to wrap my mind around my stomach now than it is was then (the article blames Obama for this phenomenon so i'm still researching the possibility of some direct correlation between this and his proposed health care bill), but its becoming easier with time. In fact, just this morning as i struggled in embarrassing pain just to reach down around my swelling guts to tie my shoes, i realized for the first time in a long time that i felt really truly good.
matthew b.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

A Patriotic Makeover

I know, I know. Its so edgy to get political. And although the public always seems to really appreciate political rants from society's elite, you know, musicians, actors and amateur Mormon-family bloggers, we generally try to avoid those kinds of poisonous topics on this site. They're bad for ratings. Ideally, we'd like to do all of our political quarreling with family, friends, and people in the grocery store in an intimate face-to-face setting. Its usually more heated that way and you leave feeling a little nastier about yourself, but at the same time its totally worth it because if you've done a good job there's a good to great chance that the other person might leave feeling even nastier than you do. And that is what I've been led to believe that the spirit of political debate and activism is all about. But in light of all the recent hoopla surrounding the Obama Healthcare Plan we've found ourselves in a major quandary. The news is getting heavy on images of irate senior citizens (really poor, really disheveled looking senior citizens. The same kind as that crazy old lady who crashed a John McCain rally last year to accuse Obama of being an "A-rab", only to have the microphone immediately yanked away and then Sen. McCain correct her ignorance. The worst kind.) flooding townhall style events so that they can get some screaming done about health care reform to their local political representatives. The thought of rubbing shoulders with so many nearly dead people, and possibly even immigrants, makes us more than a little reluctant to take our own bodies down to one of these events and voice our opinions (even if we don't have opinions) the way we should, the American way. It just feels a little too bourgeois to us now. So we've amended our blog policy and we've taken to the internet to share a good/funny article that Lindsay read that sums up the health care debate pretty well. It's pasted below, and I've included the article link, too.

The Health Care Debate Is Making Me Sick

by Brian Unger

August 10, 2009

The health care debate is toxic, revealing a lot about us as a nation. And it feels embarrassing — like the whole world can see our underpants. Or hear us fighting in the kitchen.

First, most of us can't describe accurately the details of the health care reform now under debate. That makes us look stupid or too busy to care.

Second, most of us can't describe accurately the health care or insurance we currently have, so that makes us look kind of stupid, too, or lazy.

Some of us don't care about people who don't have health insurance, so that makes us seem unsympathetic or super lucky.

Most of us don't understand that we're already paying for people who don't have health care — which makes us too busy to care, in denial or merely rich.

Some of us — a lot of us — already receive health care under some form of government plan, but don't believe in health care under some form of government plan. That makes us hypocritical or selfish. In some camps, I hear that makes us patriotic.

A lot of us are a combination of these things: too busy, lazy, a bit stupid perhaps, lucky, unsympathetic, in-denial, really rich, hypocritical, selfish ... and patriotic.

We're having an identity crisis when it comes to caring about the nation's health, which makes me think what we really need is psychotherapy. But, sadly, that's not covered under most health plans, if you have one at all.

To many, health care reform is scary, like someone's building a halfway house for criminals right at their doorstep. It's a N.I.M.B.Y. ("Not In My Backyard") issue evolved into a N.O.M.B.O. ("Not On My Back, Obama") issue.

People never change. But policy can, so our health care reformers must get more creative and visionary.

How about a Cash for Clunkers Program? Not for cars, but for older, beat-up people whose bodies have wear and tear, and can't go long distances when they're filled with gas?

Our government is offering us $4,500 to buy a new car. Can it also offer humans incentives — say, a tax break — to join a gym? To quit smoking? Or to buy produce from local farmers? Reward schools that teach kids how to eat right and exercise? You know, kind of like that class we used to offer kids called "gym."

Let's pay people to stay healthy, instead of only paying for them when they get sick. Then maybe our nation will find its compassion, the one true antidote for its health care identity crisis.

Brian Unger

Brian Unger is a writer, satirist and actor. He helped launch The Daily Show and he is a regular contributor to NPR.