I couldn't type in my credit card numbers fast enough, and needless to say, the next few weeks of waiting for the mail to come were long and painful. But finally my package was delivered this week, and so far I'm a better man for it. Thank you Burt. So basically, this is just going to be a running book report on the the greatest self help book I've ever read. That's right, I said self help. I'm pretty sure that by the end of the introduction he will convince you that he is the coolest human alive, and after that all you need to do is just sit back and take notes. Burt never says that it will be easy for someone who is not as handsome, athletic or tough as he is, but he does give you an outline for success.I can't stress enough how amazing this book is. Every page will drop your jaw in awe, but unfortunately copyright laws prevent me from typing out all of the text word for word on our blog. Otherwise, don't doubt that I would. So here are just a few quick highlights through the first 15 chapters.
Chapter 1: In high school he beat the strongest jock in a footrace while he was barefoot and the jock was wearing cleats. This helped him avoid the nickname "Mullet" and forced the jocks to respect and befriend him. This is where a lifetime of being cool began.
Chapter 4: His father was asked to become the chief of police in a small Florida town because he was known for being the toughest man around. A mafia dude came into his office to bribe him with a sack of $15,000 so that he would look the other way when it came to gambling rings up and down the Florida coast. Burt's dad was not to be bribed so he choked the dude out and then force fed him the whole 15 grand. He kept making the dude eat the bills until he'd barf, and then he'd make him keep chomping again and again.
Chapter 5: Although a social nerd, he earned a reputation for bravery by the age of 12 for his willingness to ambush live deer in the everglades by jumping out of speeding air-boats onto the wild beast's backs and then ride them Luke Perry style for at least 8 Seconds.
Chapter 6 - The end of the book?: Descriptions of a high school career of hooking up with every hot body in the county, including a 40 year babe who taught him lessons in love.
Chapter 12: After finding out that he'd ruined his football career at Florida State and his chances of going pro because of his refusal to stop bulldozing defenses all over the field, despite torn ligaments in his knee, he went out one night to get reckless in his dads car. While reeling from depression, he managed to drive his car under a flatbed trailer full of cinder blocks. He was trapped in the wreckage for 7 1/2 hours until the authorities could get him out. Once out, he told everyone he was fine and tried to walk away, but then he started coughing up blood. Turns out our hero totally wrecked his spleen and had to have life saving surgery that night. Later on, the head nurse, who he totally hooked up with (naturally), told him that during surgery he'd actually died, but the doctor shouted out "I know this kid. He's too damn tough to die!" and then reached up Burt's guts and squeezed his heart back to life. All Burt remembers is that he started floating towards the light, but in a truly Warren Beatty-esque moment he basically said that Heaven Can Wait by shouting out "The hell with you. I'm going back." And then he did.
Chapter 14: To support his budding acting career he took on odd jobs in the New York area. During an interview for a job as a bouncer he decided the best way to prove his qualifications was to cuss out and then fist fight two ex-professional boxers. The fact that he lived through the beating that they gave him gave his employers all the reason in the world to hire him on the spot.
I'll try to update this every 15 chapters or so. I can't wait until the part where he ends up just murdering someone. I'm not sure if this actually happened in his life, but I'm definitely expecting it.
-- matthew
