Burts Life 2

The day our camera first broke was the day our blog had a heart attack and almost died. But things tend to get fixed when you mail a copy of something called a warranty to someplace called Casio and demand something called satisfaction.
The day our camera broke for the second time this summer was the day our blog suffered a second heart attack. This time it died. Our heart is gone. She's taken a medical leave of absence until the camera is back. So until Lindsay returns to form, we've found a temporary heart substitute to pump word-blood onto these digital pages. Me, Myself, and Burt Reynolds.

* side note: If the Wu-tang Clan was correct in their 1993 classic C.R.E.A.M. when they spoke of the effects of smoking crack and weed at the same time, "The combination made my eyes bleed." Then I think that those words are just as true today when used to describe the blogging power of the Me, Myself, and Burt Reynolds team.

So, after all the positive feedback that Burt's book received from you, the public, I decided to make my own eyes bleed with a non-stop read-a-thon that would not end until I felt confident enough in my knowledge of the main character that I could act as your unimpeachable Burt Reynolds adviser. That never really happened due to the following reasons:
1. Read-a-thons of that kind of magnitude are rendered impossible by the ball and chains known as school, work, and family.
2. The more I read, the more I realized I had to learn.
3. I finished the book, just as I felt like it was getting started. I feel like there is still so much that he can teach me.
4. I needed a few days to recover and soak in all of the wisdom that was shared.

I could go on and on about the shortcomings that come along with holding a surname like Brown instead of one like Reynolds, but in much of the same way that Burt would punch a film director in the face, I need to get to the point. Here are a few of the many highlights from chapters 16 - 58.

Chapter 17: In the middle of his first Hollywood movie audition, Burt was rudely interrupted by a phone ringing at one of the producer's desks. When the producer dared to ignore Burt and answer the phone, he received a crash course in the laws of passion because Burt ran over and tore the phone out of the wall and smashed it to bits. Then he finished off the audition by cussing out all the producers out as he exited the room.

Chapter 18: He was fired from the tv show Riverboat because he picked up one of the producers and threw him off the boat and into a lake. I am going to defend Burt's actions here because he only did this to protect a female actress from being sexually harassed. I consider myself to be a student of the school of chivalry, and I'm pretty sure that my favorite professor, Sir Lancelot, would have done at least as much.

Chapter 30: Did I mention that he does all of his own stunts? Well, consider yourself notified. While filming the movie Deliverance he volunteered to canoe over a 90 foot waterfall, because none of the pro stuntmen would step up. Burt was too tough to not do it.

Chapter 31: Burt's earned the right to boast a little, and here, he takes the opportunity to do so. We learn how everyone in Hollywood loved him because was so funny, tough, and classy at parties. Also, he knows a lot about jazz music, and southwestern art.

Chapter 33: He posed nude in a magazine and women all around the world lost their minds (including a certain anonymous commenter on this blog). He confirmed that he can't help how hot he is.

Chapter 34: He did it, he finally killed someone! I knew this was only a matter of time. And to make it better, his first kill happened in my home state of Arizona, and in a small desert town that I've actually driven through, Gila Bend. I feel so honored. The only thing is, Burt claims he didn't do it, but I know better. He claims that the guy committed suicide by a drug overdose. But that doesn't explain why he fled the scene and went into hiding for a few weeks until the heat died down. Innocent men don't run like that. The whole story is too long and twisted to try to untangle here, so I suggest you check the book out at your local library, and we can try to crack this case together.

Chapter 35: While filming The Longest Yard in a prison in Georgia, he won the respect of all the inmates, and a whole bunch of NFL players because he was so tough. So many people tried to kill him but they couldn't.

Chapter 46: Burt teaches us the art of the hard sell. While filming a car chase scene, he demanded new brakes on his vehicle. The producers couldn't find space in the budget, so Burt asked them to join him for a drive in the stunt car. He got the car up to 70, reminded them about the brakes, and then he Tokyo Drifted them straight into a few barrel rolls. They woke up in a ditch. Point made.

Chapter 50: A botched movie stunt left his face smashed in by a metal chair, which ended up giving him TMJ. What follows are tons of stories of the horrors of TMJ. His health failed, and he lost tons of weight due to the sleepless nights and loss of appetite that TMJ brings. This led to a bunch of Aids rumors. So he did what any red blooded American would do. He went to Nancy Reagan. She informed him of a Radical Right-Wing Conservative plan to get all of the homosexual Aids carriers quarantined to some remote place. These radicals were looking to pin the virus on a Hollywood hunk, and Burt's weakling state made him a prime target. So he decided to fight the rumors by getting healthy again. It was kind of like that awesome training scene in Rocky IV, but instead of the Russian elements, he had the help of a dentist.

Chapter 51: Because of the TMJ, he became addicted to an experimental drug called Halcion. In his peak he was doing 50 a day. He decided that rehab was for lesser men, so he locked himself in a room and decided to sweat it out. 2 days of hallucinations, and a 9 hour coma later, the authorities found his body. After some lithium shots started his heart, he was back in the game.

** side note: I believe that this moment is what inspired the last part of the Nirvana song Lithium where they sing "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!" a whole bunch of times.

And that's where we'll end. Like I hinted before, I was somewhat depressed after finishing it. The lessons were over, and I'm hardly any more beautiful, violent, or rich than I was before. Was I not paying enough attention? Is my execution off? Am I just a poser?

Probably. Undoubtedly. Yes.

-- matthew